This is a scary post to write. I'll be honest. I'm sharing very private feelings with you in a very public forum, but I believe these are important conversations that we are failing to have with one another. This post is not a cry, it is an acknowledgment that you might be working through these feelings as well and you aren't the only one. These feelings are uncomfortable, and that doesn't make them bad, in fact I want to get cozy with them so that I will understand. I want to understand these sharper edges of life, explore the dull ache telling me that something is not right, and dig into the quiet knowledge that there is another way. As a yoga teacher I think and talk a lot about Alignment in the physical body. My goal is to help students move into postures that allow them to make space in their bodies. The hope is all of our extra space in the body will create extra space for our souls to breath, explore, create, enjoy and handle what the world throws at us.
After feeling generally not good yesterday I started to think about how maybe not feeling good is a sign that I'm out of alignment not within my body, but out of alignment with a deeper place. My soul and spirit feel stuck and stagnant. If I'd covered up my feelings, with various different distractions, I wouldn't have come to that conclusion.
In yoga it can take us years to find the right physical alignment in yoga postures. I don't think the spiritual space and alignment I'm looking for is going to happen overnight, just like it won't in our physical practice. It will take more than getting over my cold, a few fifteen minute meditation practices, or hot soaks in the tub (although those things do help!). Finding the alignment I'm looking for might be unattainable, but the first step is acknowledging a problem even if I can't tell you exactly what that problem or solution is. What I do know first hand is that the physical practice of yoga is a long bumpy journey. You don't ever perfect or arrive at a pose, they are new each day. Some times a pose that normally feels magnificent in all the right ways suddenly feels painful. If I'm looking for alignment in my spirit and my soul then I'm sure it will be a bumpy journey to find what feels right for me.
This journey for a deeper spiritual alignment has begun because now that I know there is a problem there is nothing else to do but start walking.
On the surface there is nothing wrong with my life, in fact there is an abundance of greatness. Greatness includes but is not limited to my wonderful partner, my deep and caring friends, the community that is growing at my studio, the colleagues I work with at my day job, and of course my family. Once you get past the surface I can tell you there is a storm brewing and it needs to be addressed. I have a hunch that coming into alignment might take some courage, it might take big steps and leaps of faith, and require me to make big decisions that I'm not yet ready to make. Maybe I'm not ready to do it all at once, but I'm ready to explore.
I don't plan on inviting you into my thoughts every time I'm thinking this over, I've got much more interesting content I intend on sharing here. Yet, as I ponder this journey for personal alignment, I'll check in once in a while and let you know what I'm doing to find the deeper alignment in my spirit and soul.