What they don't tell you: Dreams aren't easy, they don't magically fall into place. Dreams and desires can burn you down and wear you out. Things worth doing aren't easy, they involve pain, passion, sweat, tears and sometimes blood. They involve getting up at 4:45am or going to bed late and often both at once. Dreams can make you crazy and wild. I've certainly turned my more wild, crazy and oddly structured (more on this later).
This week having a conversation with a good friend while feeling so spent that I actually felt numb, I blurted "I'm so burnt out, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up". He calmly reminded me the plan was never to work two full time jobs forever. He's right, and I'll let you in on my secret... there was never a plan, the plan was do it and see what happens. I still don't have a plan...
The question plaguing me now that I can't fully answer is "what else would I do with my life to give it meaning if I wasn't working the studio or if I really went crazy and quit the full time job to teach yoga full time and grow the studio". Would I become a workaholic more than I already am? Would I work out more, more running, riding and yoga? That would certainly be absurd. Wouldn't I still feel tired, wouldn't I just fill my time up with different stuff? Am I addicted to a complicatedly full schedule? Maybe. Maybe I feel like I can't slow down or if I did I'd become stagnant like an unkempt back yard pond.
The questions are endless, the struggle for giving my life meaning is what it really boils down to and I bet that's what most of us are really pondering if we stop and think about it. these questions create a gnawing anxiety that've been keeping me up at night and worming their way into work, yoga, writing and otherwise normal conversations with friends. I don't have any answers, I doubt I'll find answers, but it doesn't mean I'll stop looking.
So what am I going to do about it? For now I'm going to stay wild and crazy. Because of the support of my friend and business partner I finalized details this morning for a writing and yoga retreat in Paris this June with one of my personal hero's Kimberly Wilson. I was on the fence because I don't have many vacation days with the new job and it always feels like cost is a hurdle, but all of those worries will always be there and if not now when?
What questions keep you up at night these days? Do you think they all boil down to the question of what are you doing to give life meaning? What leap of faith have you been holding out on? I'd love to hear from you.