When you buy a house that is perfect for you, you expect to feel like this. But when you buy a house and you are emotionally spent already that might not be how you feel after you've signed all the paperwork and stepped outside. I closed on my beautiful house on Friday, I signed the mountain of paperwork, promising to pay, and acknowledging god knows what. As I walked out of the lawyer's office I expected to feel elated, but instead, I kinda lost it. By "lost it" I mean tears, not tears of joy, sobbing, sitting in my car looking like a ridiculous idiot sobbing at lunch time for no apparent reason.
I'm not entirely sure where these feelings came from, truth be told they caught me off guard. The suddenness of the pain was astounding. Pain, and sadness weren't the emotions I was expecting. I was expecting elation, maybe even a flood of adrenaline.
I know I've made the right decision, I'm in love with my house. I'm ready to move forward into the next chapter, but when I walked down the street with my house keys in hand I didn't feel elated, I felt empty. I felt utterly empty and exhausted. When our expectations of where we think we're supposed to be or what we think we should be feeling aren't congruent with reality it can be jarring.
I'm proud of myself for many things in this last year. I'm proud of myself for doing the work to open my yoga studio and not going completely insane in the process, for working hard at Lincoln, for always putting in the work at the end of a relationship to work through my feelings until they are completely processed. I'm proud that I am a strong independent women who has the strength and the financial means to buy myself a house. All of those things should be good, but even still I'm sad and upset.
A caring friend gently reminded me that what I'm feeling is normal, and it means I have more to learn, it means I have more work to do. More reading, more journaling, more meditation. More work. period. If you ever think to yourself "I don't need to do the work, I don't need to be more introspective", you're probably in for a big wake up call. It doesn't matter what your age is. No matter how much self-work I've done I'm confident there will always be more. If we simply float through life not looking closely at our emotions I ask "what kind of life are you really living?" I know that if I do the work now this won't rear its ugly head unexpectedly 5 or 10 years from now. I've got to dig deep and just deal what is coming up. Self work is not easy. It's some of the hardest you can do, but I promise it's worth it.
In some way's this place where I am feels familiar. I've been here before. Do I really have to learn this lesson again? Yes, I do. I must have missed something the last few rounds so I've got to process it out once again. We get the lessons we need until we don't need them again. This I'm sure of. Until I figure it all out, I'll do the work.