I'm standing in the customs line at the charlotte airport in a large whitish/grey room with no windows. It looks like I'm underground but in reality it's the first floor, the air is stagnant, but not stale. The magic of my vacation is about to come to a screeching halt. All goods declared through the customs line, bags grabbed and walking out of the airport I'm the same and completely different in the way only travel can change you. Outside humidity encompasses my body, this is home. My eyes rest on the lush green of NC, home feels simultaneously wonderful and terrible. Driving back to Greensboro gazing at the familiar comforting terrain and reflecting on the last week I know I'm in big trouble. What exactly is it that's different now and and making me feel so uncomfortable?
France unleashed the little girl inside of me. I hadn't forgotten she existed but I was doing a great job of ignoring her. She was my spark, she dreamed of travel, adventure, living in France, speaking French, making friends around the world and living by the sea. She had demanded I dream because she knew anything was possible. College brought the pursuit of being an adult because, paying a ton of money and incurring a large amount of debt meant I damn well better get a "serious job". So in college I bound and gaged her, threw her in a closet, locked the door, turned my back pretended she never existed; never mind that it was her passion that had gotten me to a college 600 miles away from home in the first place. This was a crime that wouldn't have been as easily committed if I had realized the long term ramification. Now looking back I know I told myself to stop dreaming too big. Banishing her made it a lot easier to set aside ideas of becoming an artist, ignoring my love of theater, and working on my fall back career because "that would pay the bills". I locked my big scary dreamer away because it was safer for my future. I've got my mature responsible bill paying shit together and she would muck things up.
But damn if Paris wasn't the prince that kissed sleeping beauty and broke her free! She's out of her high towered prison and there is no putting her back. Sleeping beauty is about to shake things up big time! Look out tidy little life I've built because not only does this wild women know herself and her passions she's also demanding I make big changes. She will not settle for this boring life in corporate america. She's refusing to let me settle for silly things like "day jobs" and "security". She will not tolerate this life of no risks. She plays only by the rules of David Whyte who said..
"Anything or anyone that does not bring you alive
is too small for you".
Sleeping beauty says I've been settling for too small and she won't tolerate it. Much to come even if it takes time.