Yesterday I bought a mala from my creative and talented bestie Andra. She crafted the most gorgeous set of creamy white prayer beads that have tiny dark lines that run through the cream. The Guru bead is a magical green and the tassel and knots are golden. When she posted it online I knew that one was for me. When I picked it up she said the mantra for this mala is Grace. I didn't quite register it at the time, I was rushing off to meet some friends. It was only once I was driving away that I felt the full impact of the word. "Grace" I've been searching for that in this transitions out of corperate America. I've got 15 days total and 10 actual work days after today and I'll be a free woman. Sovereignty is a core value of mine and I'm not sure I've ever had it. I'm salivating at the chance to see what this next year of my life is like, one that will gift freedom and one that will come with it's own set of challenges I'm sure. My intention through this transition is to have Grace and the closer I get to leaving the harder it is to hold onto.
As a big picture thinker it takes a lot of brain power spending 8 hours a day trying to be detail oriented. It's like an introvert trying to pass as an extrovert, and that's exhausting. I've reached my limit. In truth I realized I was done for as an internal last year. In the new world I entered after my time at Lincoln it got even more detail and task oriented, I've struggled to find a sweet spot. As I'm telling the financial advisors that I work with that I'm leaving and why I'm leaving it's opening up deeper conversations with them than I've ever had. These would have been the conversations that I wish I could have had with them every day. They're much more interesting than asking work related questions like "How much death benefit does your client need?" and what's their health like? Do they smoke?".
These deeper more interesting conversations are only fueling my desire to leave, these are the types of conversations that I'll get to have with my coaching clients and I'm beyond ready. I get to ask questions about my client's life, and probe about their inner dreams and desires and where they want to be 5 or 10 years from now. Yesterday an adviser I was having one such conversation with said "Oh, this is hasn't ever been your jam you've never felt like you've fit?" I drew in a breath and said "No, I've never felt comfortable in this industry, I've always felt like I don't fit here and being that I'm a big picture thinker and this is a detail oriented job I feel like I'm constantly letting people down with mistakes". I've felt some form of that feeling every single work day I've had for the past 11 years.
Luckily I've figured out that I was stuck and I've woken up to realize that I'm in control of my future and I don't want to spend another day feeling like that, but I want to leave with Grace. It would be momentarily fun to say, "I can't take another minute of this, i'm done effective immediately". I fantasize about lighting that match throwing it out the window and watching the burn from the review window but, I love my colleague and the FA's I work with too much to leave them hanging like that. So I'm calling on Grace to get me through.
Last night before I went to bed I sat down for my evening meditation and giddily used my elegant new mala focusing each full breath on Grace. This morning my morning pages felt uninspired so I pulled myself an animal spirit card as a writing prompt and the animal that came up was the Gazelle. In this deck the Gazelle is considered a fire card one that comes up in periods of transformation, these cards signify change toward personal growth. The book says "Fire is the only thing that can turn the darkness to light". The Gazelle in this deck specifically represents "supreme Grace". I was struck by the synchronicity. I choose to take it as a sign that I can channel the Grace of a gazelle and finish out this transition with my side of the street clean. In doing so I know I'll grow which is what this journey of life is all about.