Can you relate to this? Every workday for the last 11 years after pulling myself out of bed I had an internal dialog that went something like this…
Heart: Lisha I’m not sure how much longer I can do this. I really hate the day to day of this job
Brain: It pays the bills. Do you know how many other people would love to have your job? What else could you do to pay the bills and keep up this quality of life and how about health insurance?
Heart: I feel like I’m suffocating our inner child, the creative spirit within is dying the longer we stay trapped in a cubicle
Brain: Don’t be so dramatic. You like your co-workers and you like the people you talk to every day, can’t you focus on the good and tough it out? Can’t you use this as a growth opportunity?
Heart: It’s not enough. We’re supposed to be doing something else.
Brain: I see your point, but there's something here for us to learn, after all you’re the one that values growth so much. Keep trying to grow from what you don’t like. We aren’t making a change until you know what we’re supposed to be doing.
Logic and fear kept winning and in some ways I'm grateful. My brain made a good argument.
When my frustration got unbearable I’d troll linkedin’s job postings for Greensboro. This probably happened once a quarter. Nothing seemed better or right. The biggest problem was that I didn’t know what to do with my life. I wasn’t sure what I was passionate enough about to build a career or business around and I certainly couldn’t see how I would support myself financially if I up and quit. Deep down I really didn't want to work for someone else. I wanted to answer solely to my clients and myself in what ever change was next. I had longings of a more unconventional kind of life.
I once asked my Grandmother if she liked being a farmer because I’m well aware how difficult a farmer’s life is. I remember her answer with stark clarity. “Oh Yes. There isn’t a better life. I loved it. I could go outside at night and look up and see the stars”. She didn’t comment on the hard work she only has love for the life and career she chose. I knew I had to find something that made me feel like that. Armed with that intention outside of my time trapped in the gray cubicle I’d immerse myself in my passions. Yoga workshop after yoga workshop, reading every book I could get my hands on around yoga, meditation, creativity, goals, and making big life changes.
The thing that kept me going was the unwavering belief that if I kept searching, If I kept working toward a change, if I immersed myself in the things I loved that I would figure it out. I had a deep faith in myself that I would get out of 12th floor cubicle hell. Eventually I’d have to actually draw a line in the sand. I’d have to overcome the rational fear inducing logical side of my brain and make a life altering change. One where there was no looking back.
It’s one thing to dream about something, but the reality of doing it is another thing entirely. Dreaming is fun. My heart likes to dream, but my brain is anxious and fearful, it seems to have a direct line to the reptilian DNA and thinks about the numbers and the horrible outcomes. I’ve had to balance the dreaming and the crippling anxiety to make this change. I’m thankful that my underlining inner faith is prevailing.
If you’ve ever felt this way I’d love to connect with you. Let’s chat, shoot me an e-mail, or comment below. What does your heart want that your brain is fearful of?