I'm a 35-year-old strong-willed, independent woman who's never been married. This was not the plan. The plan was always a long-term committed partner. I figured if I followed my hobbies, dreams, and passions eventually he would show up somewhere along the line. 95% of the time I look on the bright side and look for solutions rather than complain. Today is singles awareness day and I'm passed sad and have landed at angry.
I'm angry because I don't need someone to complete me, I'm complete on my own. I don't need to be saved. I don't have the baby bug and feel an urgent need to procreate. I'm angry because what I do need is a deep heart and soul connection with a man my age who has done a lot of personal work and knows that personal work and discovery never end. I'm angry because I haven't successfully found him yet. I'm angry because I go after everything I want in life and in this case, I've done what I know to do and this feels very out of my control.
Humans are wired for connection, and Like many people, I've dreamed of a true partner. I want to connect with the person who will be there through thick and thin and love me even when they don't like me and I want to be the same for them. I'm a compassionate, moderately intelligent, thoughtful, caring person, and I'm no supermodel, but I'm not horrible looking. From my biased perspective, I consider myself a good catch. I've got a strong sense of who I am, what my purpose is and how to get what I want, but romantically speaking things never seem to go as planned. I like to fix problems, I like to control outcomes, so at the moment I'm not only beguiled, I'm angry because this is a problem I haven’t been able to fix.
I'm angry that men close in age, who live in my city, rarely ask me on dates. And yes I've asked guys out, but that doesn't go over well. If I seemed intimidating before, try being the go-getting woman that asks guys out, it seems to make my problem worse. I've been told I'm intimidating, and while most of the time it doesn't bother me much, today (singles awareness day) I'm particularly fired up and angry about it.
My brief thoughts about online dating: I've recently relented and hopped back on a dating site after almost 2 years off. It's horrible, creating a personal profile is akin to turning yourself into a product and everything about that feels dirty. Looking through profiles of others doesn't feel right either because the online profile doesn't actually give me a very good sense of who a person is. The right pheromones, great intellectual conversation with a man who has similar core values are specifically the qualities I'm looking for and that is very difficult to discern through the World Wide Web.
I believe this person is out there because luckily one of my top strengths is hopefulness. I do believe it's much better to be single and alone than settle for something that doesn't seem quite right.
Tomorrow what I’ll do instead of focus on my anger is remind myself that the plus side of being single is that I’m not stuck with the wrong person. Remind myself I don't answer to anyone about the choices I make. I don't have re-occurring arguments about anything. There is no one constantly in my space that has habits that get on my nerves.
If you're feeling lonely in this way, know that you're not alone. I know from other conversations with bright brilliant women this is not just me. Other women experience this too, there are probably men who feel this way as well. Today I'm going to have a pity party and feel the feelings of sadness, loneliness, and anger. Tomorrow I'm going to go back to focusing on all of the positive things that make my single life awesome that I had a difficult time thinking of for this article.